Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Spite

Frosty wintertime
A tired mother sleeps
In spite of the noise
In spite of their needs
In spite of the ending, all too near
In spite of all she did, never enough

He was filled with spite

Took too much to stay

Gone from their life, the best for them all

Not the best place or time, should not have been seen

Hang like a rag doll

Deconstruct that...

Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Christmas

Christmas

Burning sun

Burnt meat

Christmas carols

Too much chocolate

Worn out

The heat

Need more beer

Christmas

Thursday, December 10, 2020

My Fear

 My fear is myself
My fear is real

My fear is what I do not know
My fear is what I see

My fear is the light
My fear is the dark, the shadows and the night.

My fear is those I know, more than those I don't
My fear is doing harm

My fear is being wrong
My fear is being right

My fear is this is it, no better to come
My fear is they are right, I am done with this life

Good bye, thank you all. I hope I did alright. 
Nothing left to say as I pick up the gun and say my final good night.

Trusting

Our lives are full of trust, our world revolves around trust. 

Should we really be so trusting? 

This morning 

Making my breakfast, I trusted that the bread was not poisoned, the jam not full of drugs.

Picking up my laptop bag, I trusted that the strap would not break.

I started my car, trusting that nobody had planted a bomb under it over night.

Driving out on to the road, I trusted that other drivers would obey the road rules.

I stopped for petrol, trusting that it was petrol I was putting in my car and not water.

Finally I drove over a bridge to get to work; I trusted it would not collapse under me.

I was trusting people that I didn’t know. 

Items I didn’t make. 

I believed that most people in society are good and wish to do me no harm. 

Yet here at work, with people I know, I can’t trust them

Passwords and codes

Locks on doors

Policies and procedures

Locked down rights

Logging and filtering

How said is this. 

I trust those I don’t know.

Yet don’t trust those I do know.

I was walking down the road today; I trusted that nobody would stab me.

At 2am on a Saturday morning I might not be so trusting, why?

We trust the banks to look after our money, should we? 

Our trust is placed in faceless companies, ran by faceless men. 

We don’t know them and they don’t know us but we still trust them. 

In most cases we don’t have any choice.

Our society tells us to trust those we don’t know but not to trust those closest to us. 

I don’t trust people I should, how can I? Why should I?

I was always a trusting person, I grew up at a time when this is what you did. 

Stories of kids being abducted, murders and crime seemed so far away. 

Now I am older I know the world is not as nice as it seems, when seen through a child’s eyes. 

Our world is full of people you want to harm you.

Our world is a dangerous place.

Now I am not so trusting, the world has done this to me.

If you can find somebody to trust, keep them close no matter what.

But if they break your trust, be sure to make them go.

If you don’t have trust, you have nothing.


Fake

 I threw out or burned
All the shit you gave me
Not because it was fake
But because we were

Chips

 That storm hit hard, not in the forecast.

You were only going out for me. I had to have it NOW.

Why didn’t I tell you to wait, tomorrow would have been fine.

The police said it came out of nowhere, nothing you could have done.

Washed away with the bridge, gone forever, never mine again.

All for a packet of chips.

I didn’t get them anyway.


He Sits on the Steps

                                        Will his friend come today?

People passing by, looking at him

He tries to smile, his smile is broken

Just like his heart

 

Kids playing on the grass

Families out walking, happy, enjoying life

He had a family once, before they forgot about him

 

Sitting for hours, the day coming to an end

Pulling his coat a little tighter

Trying to keep the cold air out

His friend has still not arrived

The street lights come on

A kind lady approaches him, looks at his bracelet

 

Shortly the bus arrives and two nurses come to get him

Back on the bus and taken back to the home

They are mad with him, how did he get out this time?

They tell him that his friend is dead; he has been for 15 years

He knows his friend is dead, everyday he is reminded of that

 

For years they would met on the steps, every day at noon

Lunch together and a stroll around the park

He is trying to go back to that happy time

It will never happen

 

He drifts off to sleep, hoping to not wake up

He wants to join his friend again, in the better place

 

Final Visit to the Light House

How he got to the light house, he does not know

He drove his car but it is all a blur

Why he is here breaks his heart in to pieces

The view from the light house car park is stunning, across the sea

Many times he has been here before; he found it a great place to just think

His life has been destroyed, his family is all gone

He is a failure, he let them all down

 

He thinks about how he should have protected them, he didn’t keep them safe

Instead of playing golf, he should have been with them in the car that day

He might not have saved them, but at least he would have died too

That would have been better than what he has had to do

 

Last week he said good bye to his wife and son for the last time

That drunk driver was to blame, lucky he died too

 

The tears well up, he is a mess, people have tried to help, they can’t understand

With the sky turning red as the sun is setting, he sets off down from the car park

He walks with the urns to the edge of the rocks and the sea

Opening the lids he scatters their remains

The ashes blow in the wind, they are now free

He jumps off the rocks in to the sea; he is joining them today, now he is free

Why

Why must we hurt?

Why must we cry?

Why did it happen?

Why did you die?

 

You were my friend and the one I loved

You had a bright future

You could have done anything

You decided to die

 

I miss you smile

I miss your eyes

I miss our time together

I miss you since you died

 

My life is over

My life is done

My life has finished

Now I too have decided to die

Rain

Drops on my window

Trees dripping wet

Tapping on the roof

Wind blowing

Splashing in puddles

Cars driving slow, windscreen wipers going in time

Grumpy shoppers

Umbrellas and coats

 

A leak in the roof, bucket needed

Warm coffee, heater on

Movie on TV

Junk food

 

Flashing lights

Accident

Car written off

She is dead

Lives changed

1:31PM

My clock has just clicked 1:31 PM, a random Tuesday afternoon
 
Back in to my work
What I should be doing
What I am paid for
Another face flashes past my office door, thankfully this time they leave me alone
 
Back in to my work
My phone rings, I really should answer it
Another problem, more fire fighting
They don’t understand I am busy, better go and fix it.
 
Back in to my work
Somebody at my door, just want a chat about life, can’t they see I am busy
Give them a few minutes of my time
Putting me more behind
 
Back in to my work
Error messages, more time wasted
Leading me down the wrong path, not being honest about what they did
Nothing is getting done
 
Back in to my work
Another phone call, ignore it, too busy
They come around to my door, needing help
Follow them back, nothing wrong now
Caught up on the way back
Another question, some advice needed.
Photocopier jammed
Email crashing, you have too much
Internet page won’t load; site is down, not my problem
Keyboard broken
Why is it so slow?
 
Back in to my work
Nothing getting done, getting more and more behind
Nobody happy
 
My clock has just clicked 5:00 PM
 
Time to go home
It can all wait until the next day, week month or year, some may never get done
If nobody else cares, why should I?

Enough

When is it enough?
The pain grows each day, tearing me down
My defenses gone, given up

When is it enough?
Always in the wrong
Tired of fighting

Enough of everything, everyone and this existence we call life

I have just had enough